If it weren't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
Changing lawyers is like changing decks on the Titanic.
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice. "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea. Go and bury 20 more of them."
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."
"During the mid-1980s dairy farmers decided there was too much cheap milk at the supermarket.
So the government bought and slaughtered 1.6 million dairy cows.
How come the government never does anything like this with lawyers?"
Experts are people who know a great deal about very little and who go along learning more and more about less and less until they know practically everything about nothing.
Lawyers, on the other hand, are people who know very little about many things and keep learning less and less about more and more until they know practically nothing about everything.
Judges are people who start out knowing everything about everything but end up knowing nothing about anything because of their constant association with experts and lawyers.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Lawyers are the only profession where the more there are, the more are needed!
There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law.
No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth.
It has been discovered that lawyers are the larval stage of politicians.
A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know
the judge.
There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his
income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.'
Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
Imagine the appeals, dissents and remandments,
if lawyers had
written 'The Ten Commandments'
Augustine's Laws
Bulls do not win bull fights; people do.
People don't win people fights; lawyers do.
Talk is cheap...until lawyers get involved.
If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers?
"My daddy is a movie actor, and sometimes he plays the good guy, and
sometimes he plays the lawyer."
- Malcolm Ford, to his preschool classmates on
what his father, actor Harrison Ford, does for a living.
Lorenzo Dow, an evangelist of the last century, was on a preaching tour when he came to a small town one cold winter's night. He entered the local general store to get some warmth, and saw the town's lawyers gathered around the pot-bellied stove, discussing the town's business. Not one offered to allow Dow into the circle.
Dow told the men who he was, and that he had recently had a vision where he had been given a tour of Hell, much like the traveler in Dante's Inferno. When one of the lawyers asked him what he had seen, he replied, "Very much what I see here: all of the lawyers, gathered in the hottest place."
Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing.
A great line by Danny de Vito in "Other People's Money":
Of course I've got lawyers. They are like nuclear weapons: I've got em coz everyone else has. But as soon as you use them they screw everything up.
