What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.
What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.
Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.
How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Heck, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
Senator.
What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in the road?
The vultures will eat the skunk.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
What's the strongest argument against both theories of origin?
Politicians and lawyers. Who in their right mind would create (or evolve into) these species?
Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's a fish.
How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly?
When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A leech will let go and drop off when its victim dies.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a dalmation?
A dalmation knows when to stop chasing the ambulance.
Why did the lawyer cross the road?
To get to the car accident on the other side.
What is the difference between baseball and law?
In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon?
He was disbarred.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
What is the difference between yogurt and the American Bar Association?
Yogurt has culture.
Why does California have so many lawyers and New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey got to pick first.
What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his ass.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
Another lawyer.
What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
Why are attorneys like sperms?
Because only one in ten million turns out to be a human being.
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Vultures can't take their wing tips off.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Vultures wait 'till you're dead to rip your heart out.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
Clothes.
Why are laboratory scientists switching from rats to lawyers for their experiments?
1. Lawyers are more plentiful than rats;
2. The lab technicians don't get as attached to the lawyers, and
3. There are some things a rat just won't do.
What's the only disadvantage to using lawyers instead of rats in laboratory experiments?
It's harder to extrapolate the test results to human beings.
What educational programs should the United States support to alleviate the burgeoning US-Japan trade imbalance?
Japanese language lessons for lawyers.
Why do lawyers carry their certification on their dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped parking; it's proof of a moral disability.
What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.
Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.
Why are lawyers great in bed?
They get so much practice screwing people.
